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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
My pants are 75% off.
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.