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No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
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I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.