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Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
hey single people..tomorrow is officially `rebound day` after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in `epic fail`
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.