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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
You cant ask "What do you mean by that?" without sounding pissed off
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.