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I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Why can`t everyday be football Sunday?
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.