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Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
You could pleasure me just by walking away.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.