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Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
FYI, Target does not give prizes, no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye
That moment when being uncool, is cool
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks