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The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
I always advise people never to give advice.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
You seem like a sweat person. Mind if I lick you to find out?
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.