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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
thinking men should come with a carfax....
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people..... who have taken my advice
HR have advised that Iām not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
am feeling lazy......... jst like the guy who desighned the Japannese flag
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.