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I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
Of course it`s you. If it was me I wouldn`t even bring it up.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.