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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Sö î hèãrd ÿôu lìkê gùÿš with ácçeñts?
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
This town is about as exciting as watching an M&M melt in the sun.
Life is what you make it = 10% Shit happens = 90%
I`m tired of things costing money
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.