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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.