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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.