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I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.