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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
I’m in no shape to exercise.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.