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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches