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I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.