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This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?