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Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
My favorite beer is the next one.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.