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says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?