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For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.