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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, "How could you do this to me" and then runs off crying?
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
is wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.