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I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.