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Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
This day needs more tomfoolery!
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.