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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq i ??i? ?s?? ??? si si??
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers