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My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.