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I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
I make a great second impression.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
My goal today is to turn actions into thoughts.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.