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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.