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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.