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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
with great power...comes great electric bill...
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat