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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
Gun Control: Use both hands
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
Does running out of money count as exercise?
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.