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Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
If you can’t face it, moon it.
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.