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ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?