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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
20 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.