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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.