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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside