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2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
i think lady gaga puts glue on herself, and rolls around random items.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.