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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
After 6 years, is it still all Bush`s fault or has it been reduced to "Unfortunate circumstances under no one`s control"?..............
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.