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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.