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I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.