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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.