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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.