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It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.