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Coffee...Meet your Maker!
I just awesomed all over the place.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole