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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."