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I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
High fiving was the original "like".
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.