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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
Facebook Poking Hours: Mon-Friday 7am-10pm Sat 12-11pm Sun Closed
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
i hate that the sun comes up so early
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.