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More food should come with prizes inside it.
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`