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Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.