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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
there is no strong beer, only weak men
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
Not so great minds also think alike.
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.