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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...