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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Is it just me or doesn`t anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!