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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
Iām not fat... my stomach is 3D.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
My pants are 75% off.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy
Did we try giving the government a snickers?