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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
I watch CSI for the great tips they give out.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!