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Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
I`m saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.