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"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.