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McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
“The darndest things.” -kids
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
I’m not crazy just the voices are!
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch