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My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.