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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.