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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.