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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...