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I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
The secret to success is in my bra.
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.