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I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?